Category Archives: Musings

Do you ever feel like you’re just the worst,

The absolute worst, and nobody’s first,

Their choice, the one to choose

When it all falls down,

The one they can’t lose?


As a kid, I knew I was different. My parents and brother too. But my individual self was slightly out of phase with the rest of the world.

I spent a lot of time alone. Which was fine until I turned 9. I had books and an imagination so vast and limitless that it amazed me when other kids were so…boring. Uncreative.

But one night in 1999 changed something. I guess in a way, that was the end of my childhood. The fear and anxiety that came after cannot be considered the emotions of a child, nor my thoughts those of one.

I wonder now…I thought my depression began in 2009. But maybe…the early signs of it were certainly there back then.

Maybe I was doomed from the start. Destined for dark thoughts from the day of my birth.

It’s strange to think of the things that haven’t changed in 14 years. And sad to think of some that have. I wish I could unburden myself. At least as a child, my imagination was able to get me through the worst times. Now it feels like it is shrinking into Nothing. Which is one of the worst things I can imagine.

I don’t know how to be myself anymore. I started antidepressants a year ago this month, and in many ways I feel no different. Or, at least, not different enough.

I’m trying to rebuild myself from fragments and ashes. Trying to fit together a few pieces of who I used to be with who I am, and who I would like to be. But maybe the time for introspection is later. After I fix all that lies ruined around me.


I continue to struggle with the idea that there’s something wrong with me that can be fixed. Maybe this is just who I am.

But if this is who I’m meant to be, what hope is there?

I can’t live the rest of my life the way I’ve lived it so far. I’ve made so many mistakes and I’ve been so unhappy.

I’m trying to change, but I don’t know if I have the will to make it happen. Maybe this is as good as I’ll get.


Three

It’s days like today when the gaping hole is most obvious. When I can physically feel the absence of a person I never met.

My mom had an abortion at 22. The age I am now. It was her choice, and I’m not angry. We all deserve that choice. But it does make me sad.

I just feel like there’s someone missing from our family. Moreso today. There’s a connection that was never made.

I’ve always felt like there was supposed to be three of us.


‘I Will Burn the Heart Out of You’

I have been reliably informed that I don’t have one. But we all know that’s not true.

It’s burning slowly. Might take a while. On my way to losing my Watson, after all.

(Don’t mind me. I’m in a bit of a mood.)


Oh Dear

Things have gone a bit nasty just now with my ‘little sister’…I’ve had to explain what a wanksock is. I suppose I didn’t actually have to, but I’d rather she hear it from me than the Internet.

So, yeah, anyway. That happened. And I dreamt I was a werewolf last night.

I’ve been fantasizing about being a werewolf for about a week now. It happened pretty suddenly when I was coming home from the store. There’s this line of trees and you can almost pretend it’s a forest and I just wondered…what would it be like to run through those trees? To howl at the moon?

Maybe it’s the freedom of it. Because I feel rather trapped in my life, in all honesty.


Don’t Touch Me, I’ll Break

Nothing ever really has to go wrong in my life anymore for me to cry and feel empty. Things are wrong at the source, things are wrong with me, they always have been. I may not have a discernible mental illness, but the illness is there. Maybe it was there when I first opened my eyes, when I took my first step. I got crap on both sides of the family. Depression, wackiness.

It’s really hard to be more of an adult than your parents, to be more stable than your parents. And I’m not all that stable, so that’s really sad. I just burst into tears because of something that isn’t really much of anything, it was just frustrating.

I don’t know, I’m just rambling. It’s hard to look at myself and figure out what’s normal for me and what’s just plain wrong. Not all people are the same. I couldn’t even tell you my sexual orientation anymore, to be honest. Maybe that’s part of my suddenly fragile state. Just a few days ago I was provided an insight I hadn’t considered: perhaps my aversion to physical things is normal for me. Maybe, just maybe, I get nervous around guys who like me because I don’t want to be with a guy, physically or otherwise.

Honestly, actually thinking about it and attempting it has so far only served to scare the crap out of me.

I also realized, I don’t think I’m actually sexually attracted to anyone. Though thinking of certain people doing the dirty, and also certain kinks, those do turn me on. So I’m not completely asexual, I guess, but maybe I’m partly?

There just doesn’t seem to be much difference between me being obsessed with hot male and female celebrities anymore.

Rory is confused and tired of everything. Also, she needs a punching bag.