Monthly Archives: November 2012

Thinking about the passage of time and how things fade, I am curious, I am sad, and sometimes, I am so very afraid.

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I Am Many

I just watched the movie Heavenly Creatures for the first time. It’s about two real life best friends/lovers, Pauline and Juliet, who kill Pauline’s mother so they won’t be separated. I’ve heard the story before, but having it shown to me that way changed my entire view of it.

I feel a sort of connection…a kinship with the girls, or at least as they were portrayed in the movie. They loved each other so deeply and were so intertwined. I’ve always wanted that. And they loved writing stories and playing make believe. Forgetting this world and creating their own. No one and nothing else mattered, so long as they had each other and their kingdom.

I feel my life has been a long journey of slowly drifting from this world to my own. This place just isn’t enough, and it never will be. I think people would tell me that I’m unhealthy, if they really knew to what extent I’ve drifted. I feel like a ghost here some days. I’ve tried to cut back, to live Normal, and I have fun and laugh and love this life. 

But that other world, or those other worlds, really, they’re always waiting for me. And they’re always so much more.

I’m not sure anymore what’s healthy or right. I’ve never been Normal. I was born Different, and I always thought that was a good thing. But it sure makes this life more difficult. 

It’s hard. I’ve always felt like I’m waiting for something. Something to happen, or a door to unlock and reveal…what I need…and who I am…for everything to fall into place…

My sense of self does not exist. I do not exist. I am many, so many, too many. It’s wonderful and mad and gloriously sad. 

This world is not enough. But neither are the others, sometimes. I never forget what’s ‘real’. I’m not crazy…most days…but I’m a bit wild and lost. 

I am speaking from a place far from where I am. I’m in a haze, trying not to let this world break through. I feel…heavenly.