“Take a look in my eyes
I’m a mirror of you
Down to the fear and the shame
For you, I stayed
For you, I fade”
When I first wrote those lyrics, I had a storyline in mind that wasn’t real and had nothing to do with me. I had no idea that those could be a self-portrait. But now I’m starting to think they are.
I have this whole awful life figured out in my head for some poor girl. I don’t know why. Maybe I did it to make my own life seem not so bad. Maybe that girl actually exists in some universe and somehow I know her story.
But I think about it often, particularly at night. She’s supposed to have a happy ending, but I have yet to pick one. And I’ve been trying for months.
I suppose that’s me all over. I want a happy ending for myself, but I have no idea what form I want it to come in. Not really. I know I want to own a Pagan store in Seattle. But what else? There has to be something else. There has to be people in my life, even just a few that I can truly rely on.
But I can’t let myself get too attached. Not again. I’ve experienced the downside of that very recently. And there’s nothing worse than being more attached to someone than they are to you.
To quote myself… “It just seems like there’s always someone there who had you first or deserves you more.”