I don’t know how I wound up best friends with someone who is in essence the exact kind of girl I hate. She sleeps with too many guys and keeps going back to the same loser over and over. Keeps giving him chances and then acting so angry and betrayed when he messes up again.
I don’t know how to support a person that I don’t respect.
I figured out what I’m missing. I figured out what we’ve lost.
That bond you feel with very few people, or at least that’s how I am. I barely connect with anyone. And now I don’t have that at all anymore.
I’ve been best friends with this girl for over two years now, but it really feels like we’ve just been drifting apart for the last year or so. I just don’t feel that connection to her anymore, which is probably a good thing. I got too attached to the wrong person. It’s always the wrong person.
I need someone. I think I need someone that may not even exist. And that is the most terrifying part.
“Take a look in my eyes
I’m a mirror of you
Down to the fear and the shame
For you, I stayed
For you, I fade”
When I first wrote those lyrics, I had a storyline in mind that wasn’t real and had nothing to do with me. I had no idea that those could be a self-portrait. But now I’m starting to think they are.
I have this whole awful life figured out in my head for some poor girl. I don’t know why. Maybe I did it to make my own life seem not so bad. Maybe that girl actually exists in some universe and somehow I know her story.
But I think about it often, particularly at night. She’s supposed to have a happy ending, but I have yet to pick one. And I’ve been trying for months.
I suppose that’s me all over. I want a happy ending for myself, but I have no idea what form I want it to come in. Not really. I know I want to own a Pagan store in Seattle. But what else? There has to be something else. There has to be people in my life, even just a few that I can truly rely on.
But I can’t let myself get too attached. Not again. I’ve experienced the downside of that very recently. And there’s nothing worse than being more attached to someone than they are to you.
To quote myself… “It just seems like there’s always someone there who had you first or deserves you more.”
I don’t know how to live or why I should.
I feel like I’m losing my mind. Everything is crashing down on me all at once. I just want to forget. I just want to go back to my senior year of high school and redo the last four years of my life. Or go back to 1989 and punch my mom in the stomach.
It would be so much better for everyone if I just didn’t exist. People need me to be a certain way, a certain type of person, and it is tearing me limb from limb. I’m tired of lying and holding things in and being nice instead of just screaming like I want to. I’m tired of her biting my head off, of both of them blaming me because God fucking damn it, it is always my fault.
I’m tired of feeling like I don’t matter, like other people deserve better from me and I deserve whatever I get from them. I’m tired of trying, I just want to give up and not care anymore. I wish I was more like my brother because yeah, he represses stuff, but a lot of the time, he legitimately just doesn’t give a shit.
I just need a release. It’s times like these I wish I could cut myself. I’m not afraid of the pain, I’m afraid of the scars. Which is true in more ways than one.
I have been reliably informed that I don’t have one. But we all know that’s not true.
It’s burning slowly. Might take a while. On my way to losing my Watson, after all.
(Don’t mind me. I’m in a bit of a mood.)
Things have gone a bit nasty just now with my ‘little sister’…I’ve had to explain what a wanksock is. I suppose I didn’t actually have to, but I’d rather she hear it from me than the Internet.
So, yeah, anyway. That happened. And I dreamt I was a werewolf last night.
I’ve been fantasizing about being a werewolf for about a week now. It happened pretty suddenly when I was coming home from the store. There’s this line of trees and you can almost pretend it’s a forest and I just wondered…what would it be like to run through those trees? To howl at the moon?
Maybe it’s the freedom of it. Because I feel rather trapped in my life, in all honesty.
This isn’t my role. I’m trying not to tell you what you don’t want to hear, what I think you should do.
Just let me be. You’re making this too hard.